The Good, the Bad, and the Vomit

I feel like a rubber band shot into the wild, wild yonder, rubbed raw by self-exhaustion.  Why, you ask?  I have had my fill of emotions this month.  So many to count and I seem to crave reading and having more, whether they are on the peak of the rollercoaster or near the valley:  How to educate our kids and our countries kid’s?  How to push through some fears I have of continuing/ceasing this journey.  Reading and writing so many, many blogs that inspire, stir and subdue my being.  Finding out why I am not being my whole, authentic self?  What is holding me back?  Why do I bite my husband head off when all he does it try to make everything better?  Consider this my vomit.

We have only 5 months left on this adventure but knowing that still brings me to tears. I am exhausted, in need of some peace, connection with my community, preferably in Portland.  I don’t want to hear that there is a reason, that there is a message or a lesson in all this. I don’t want to hear that I need to let go, that I need to trust. I know it, but I resist it anyway.

Firstly, I am feeling extremely selfish.  Here I am, in the middle of the Keys in Florida with my amazing family, relaxing and supposedly loving life.  And I am completely and utterly out of focus, existing.  Where is the purpose?  And should there be one?  Brian is an amazing partner and best friend and I have been treating him like dirt as often my emotions are transferred to him.  Sorry, love.  He is walking on eggshells so as to not set me off.  Sounds grand, right?

I am feeling trapped, afraid for the future and just wishing about being home to the home I know.  Shallow—I know.  I am trying to push through it but really have a hard time doing that.  The other mantra I have been touting is “enjoy the moment”.  So much more easily said than done, when I am worrying about the water and toilet paper I am using, when it is time to dump sewer, where to park tonight and where I am going to get quarters and find a laundry mat.  Such primitive actions have brought me to my knees, grated on my emotions.

There is another reason, and this one I can hang my hat on:  Brian needs to take a job in Australia for two one-month stints.  We have had the glorious opportunity to have him travel very little on this trip so far, but funds are low.  This trip for him will set us straight.  I am having trouble finding the energy to go on and travel with the girls until his return, especially being in this emotional state.  So, I may hunker down for a month and see how we feel.  Or we may make our way westward.  I don’t know yet.

I think the biggest mistake we have made was trying to do too much too fast.  Most people would think a year is plenty to see the country.  I am here to tell you that that is NOT SO!  We are moving every 3-4 days on average and we only plan a few days ahead.  We have missed much and feel rushed.

Here is what I want:  to be at home, sitting on the back deck (in the rain mind you J), listening to the kids giggle in the tree house while I create and foster my new part time job focus.  What will that be?  I want to shop for groceries at my local haunts and buy my secret raw milk.  I want to cook for my family in my big, fat kitchen and enjoy all of the stuff that is in storage…a bit of a reverse of what I have been preaching, right?  I want to plan, get ready and go on an actual date with my husband when he hasn’t seen the good, bad and the ugly of me since the moment I woke up.  I want to have time to plan with the family what unschooling events might happen over the next month.  I know, I know, the antithesis of unschooling, right?  Planning?  Ha!  I want to spend separate time with each of my family members and friends so at dinner we have something to talk to each other about instead of being with each other 24/7.  Wine time with my friends, networking with prospective clients, regular yoga and chiropractic adjustments, ice cream jaunts in the Mustang.  Shall I continue or are you sick of reading my selfish vomit?  I sure am.

I want to scream from the mountaintops to “just get over it” and just let things slide, stop analyzing, thinking, becoming a better person.  Enjoy where I am and what I am doing, why do I need to push to the next step and then plan for it?  Is this the point in which most people exist until they die and just say the heck with the rest of the world?  I know I can honestly say that it is not in my being to do that.  So how do I find the peace?

Fear is the culprit.  It always is.  And also in this case, exhaustion.  The question is how to push through it to the other side with out coming out a washed up beached mermaid?   I want to be handed a challenge and fly over it. I want to feel energized and more determined by it. I want to keep smiling, keep holding onto my joy. I want to embrace my fear with compassion.  I believe that I can be all of these things with a home base, a community to connect to, and friends to share with.  Embracing can fall within the walls of security, right?  I have loved this adventure, and want it to continue–after we all have a break.  In fact, we are already planning to buy a converted bus to take on less lengthy trips.  I am a traveler, but not a full time traveler and I am ok with that.  I hope that Brian is ok with that too.

I can be nothing but authentic. And life will ebb and flow, all things will pass.  This is me, authentic. Waiting for the fear to pass, for my ability to let it go.  Time will tell the outcome, and the outcome will be good, though getting there might hurt a little.

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9 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by kate on January 18, 2011 at 12:45 am

    I applaud and embrace your vulnerability Janet. It’s the fear ( or the process of facing it) that gives us character, depth and perspective. Go with your gut as nothing is permanent. I think that in this quest to find your “authentic” self, you have allowed your daughters to follow suit. What a strength! What a gift! Regardless of where this journey ultimately takes you, know that you have empowered them to embrace life and themselves. Well done.
    Xxoo’s

    Reply

  2. Posted by Brian on January 18, 2011 at 12:58 am

    I love you honey, thank you for taking on this adventure with me. We have learned and grown together and although the landscape of our travels has changed for now we remain intact and stronger than ever. There is comfort in knowing that our love and relationship comes first, everything else follows.  There are experiences that we have encountered, topics we have discussed; agreeable and disagreeable, that have changed us individually, as a couple and moreso as parents. I believe that as parents, we are better prepared now for raising of our children than ever, and I look forward to the next phases of life.  

    I too look forward to being at home, the familiarity of ‘swego and the community.  Even better is knowing that we are rock solid, our girls are being raised in a wonderful environment with love and freedom.   I love you and what we share together. 

    Reply

  3. Posted by sbaird on January 18, 2011 at 2:24 am

    thank you for your searing honesty and actually lack of fear in your writing. it caused me to feel quite close to you. xo shannon

    Reply

  4. Good on you for writing out your feelings. And thanks for sharing them with the world. I worry about our own trip and I’m still working toward leaving. My plan is to travel FT with no planned end, so… yeah.

    And if you’re taking any suggestions, I’d say that I can see where you might feel a loss of control (which can be very stressful). Perhaps try planning out a longer amount ahead. Maybe plan out a couple of weeks or even a month! You could still be flexible in case you change your mind when you get somewhere, but perhaps planning more would help you feel a little less chaotic.

    Good luck to you & yours!

    Reply

    • Posted by karen Nelson on January 18, 2011 at 4:25 pm

      Janet,

      In Spite of, one of Mr. H.White’s favorite sayings, You Do have lots of courage, love, and wisdom. Karen PS I have been enjoying reading about y’alls adventures and reflections.

      Reply

  5. Posted by andrea gaspari on January 18, 2011 at 4:14 am

    Wow, I felt like I was right there with you while reading that. How wonderful that you can let those thoughts and feelings flow. Cheers to Brian for being able to just hear them and look at all the positive. Can you park and go to Australia as a family? What a perfect time while you are all traveling any way. Home and community can be very important and fulfilling. How wonderful that you have the best of both worlds. You have an established home and community to go to when you are ready.
    : )

    Reply

  6. peace and love…really, peace to you and your family. lots of love from all of us at eden’s edge. you are missed!

    Reply

  7. Posted by Alina on January 20, 2011 at 4:20 am

    That is the most beautiful, authentic vomit I have ever read. What a challenge you took on when you signed up for this adventure and you have passed with flying colors. You are an inspiration. Although I have lived vicariously through your travels, it will be nice to have you home again, for however long you decide to stay. And your next adventure? Certainly something to look forward to!

    Reply

  8. Janet – Your soul knows what it needs. Thanks for sharing this. I know it took a lot of courage to put it out there – but all the positive responses (esp Brian’s) indicates that you are extremely well loved!

    Reply

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